The post was, in a phrase, about knowing, or rather, not knowing, what I want.
I still have trouble with that one.
When Michael and I were getting married he asked me, oh, about 900 times, what I wanted. My answer was always either:
- whatever makes everyone happy
- I don't know
It's a little bit shameful, at least for me, to be at the age of 37 (almost 40) and not be able to say/know what I want.
This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I still struggle with my eating disorder. Frequently.
I'll be honest, I struggle hourly. It comes, partly from not knowing what I want. Not in terms of food (though that is a part of it) but in the rest of my life as well.
An eating disorder is not about food. Food is only the tool. It is what we use to numb, punish and reward ourselves. It is what I use to hide and to disguise myself. It is what I have used since I was 17 to keep my sexuality under wraps. It hasn't always worked.
As always, I recommend this post from Shapely Prose for beginners and anyone else who hasn't read it.
Be nice to your body this week. I'm trying to be nice to my body too.