Wednesday, February 27, 2008
What I want - NEDAW
I posted something earlier today. It wasn't supposed to be for this blog and when I discovered I had posted it here, I took it down. Then I started wondering, what made me so ashamed? What made me feel so exposed about it?

The post was, in a phrase, about knowing, or rather, not knowing, what I want.

I still have trouble with that one.

When Michael and I were getting married he asked me, oh, about 900 times, what I wanted. My answer was always either:
  1. whatever makes everyone happy
  2. I don't know
These were honest, not passive aggressive, answers.

It's a little bit shameful, at least for me, to be at the age of 37 (almost 40) and not be able to say/know what I want.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I still struggle with my eating disorder. Frequently.

I'll be honest, I struggle hourly. It comes, partly from not knowing what I want. Not in terms of food (though that is a part of it) but in the rest of my life as well.

An eating disorder is not about food. Food is only the tool. It is what we use to numb, punish and reward ourselves. It is what I use to hide and to disguise myself. It is what I have used since I was 17 to keep my sexuality under wraps. It hasn't always worked.

As always, I recommend this post from Shapely Prose for beginners and anyone else who hasn't read it.

Be nice to your body this week. I'm trying to be nice to my body too.
Stumble It!


Blogger Faith said...

BTW - Billie - sorry for erasing your comment. I totally freaked out.


Blogger dale-harriet said...

See now - I am sorry to hear you're fighting with that particular schlimazel; interestingly, I've come to really love you, here, and because it IS *here* I know only the inside of you, the Faith-ness, who does work I admire, stuff I love reading about and who is (from my knowledge) ace-cool and someone I'd like to live near and hang with (although that's cheeky of me; not sure you'd be into hangin' with an ancient bubbe from Wisconsin). Plus, you're a best friend of someone ELSE I love from *here*, which in my estimation says a great deal about you AND her. Wish I could help with the other,'s a bubbe thing.

Blogger Doris Rose said...

thanks for that post. I still struggle with both an eating disorder and a continued lack of direction...and I'm pushing 63! I retired in order to see what my right brain wanted to do(after 30yrs of being a nurse).I am finding joy in awareness and creativity, but there is still much to learn.

Blogger Orangeblossoms said...

yeah..... the whole be nice to our bodies thing is a little complicated, for me at least.

I'm continually amazed at the ways I can jeopardize my health and sanity simultaneously.

Blogger Feisty Frida said...

I just wanted to say hi. I'm struggling big-time right's so hard. I'm going to take your advice seriously, and try from now on, to be nice to my deserves it.


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