If good fences make good neighbors...

A couple of days ago, I posted about my ink, but I noticed (because I’m an obsessive count checker) that a lot of people clicked on the “tear toilet paper” link.

I want to explain.

In Judaism there is something called a gezeirah, which is like a fence. It is a little fence around a law so that you don’t actually break a commandment. So, for instance, during Passover, you cannot eat matzah that might have been touched by water because it might rise and you might eat leavened bread which would be breaking a commandment.

The same thing goes for the toilet paper. Tearing toilet paper is not, in itself, work. It is however, something that is attached that you would detach thereby “making something”. While no part of the Torah ever deals with toilet paper and the tearing of such, this is one of those little fences, however inane it may be.

While these examples may not be the best, creating little fences around ourselves is important and I am learning how to build little fences better every day.

It appears that people with eating disorders have boundary issues. In fact, boundary issues are overwhelmingly the number one indicator of an eating disorder. It appears that most people with an eating disorder, whether binge eating disorder (BED), anorexia or bulimia experienced, “relentless boundary invasion” sometime in their childhood (tell me about your mutter).

So, it seems that rather than create any sort of confrontation with anyone, I have a tendency to say "yes." After all, it only hurts me and I know how I'll react but I don't know how anyone else will react and that is too scary so..."sure I'll help you carry your sleeper sofa up three flights of stairs!" or I'm fine sitting here eating my hair rather than telling you that I am very uncomfortable with you yelling at our waiter.

Boundaries - they're what's for dinner!

Michael, otherwise known as Boundary Man (ewww. Let's call him Boundary Guy for the sake of abbreviation), is my role model in this whole fence building thing.

I used to think he was crazy when he said things like, "If you don't want to go to your mother's house for dinner, just don't go."

My response would be a wimpering, "You don't understaaaaand. I have to go."

But as Boundary Girl, I realize that I am a 36 year old woman who gets her own paycheck and has for 17 years and frankly I don't owe anybody anything. If I don't want to go to dinner, I don't have to. I am Boundary Girl!

Seriously, this is a really new concept for me.

"I think we should have a team at the annual walk-a-thon. Do you want to take that on?"
Before BG - I say, "Sure! No problem!"

After BG - I say, "I'll do a lot of things, but I've done my share of walk-a-thons and I really can't do another one."

Complete stranger at Canter's Deli "You have such a pretty face! You should lose some weight."
Before BG - I say, "Ummmm.........................." Then go throw up.

After BG - "You should mind your own damn business lady!"

It's really hard to create boundaries. I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings, making them feel bad. I realized though that not creating boundaries (and enforcing them) makes me not want to pick up my phone, answer email or participate in any normal social interactions because I feel raw and vulnerable. Like anyone can do with me whatever they will. Then I start feeling resentful and in the end, everybody gets screwed.

Whereas, when I do create boundaries, I feel like I stood up for myself. I feel like I'm the most important person to me. I don't feel guilty later because I have eight hundred thousand voicemails to return and I can get out of bed without worrying that someone is going to ask me to do something I don't want to do.

What a concept.

(some information from: Joanna Poppink, MFT)