Tuesday, January 30, 2007
So, Fat.
I am going to use this post to be all petty and self-indulgent. Because it's my blog. And that's what blogs are for. Right?

So, I've lost quite a bit of weight in this getting mentally healthier project and it's really starting to show. Do you know how I know that? No, it's not by looking in the mirror, silly. I've been bulimic for 18 years - haven't you ever seen the Lifetime movie?

It's because people are telling me. Everyone. Co-workers, boss, friends, family, vendors, husband's co-workers, husband's boyfriends, etc.

People say things like:

"Oh my god, you look great!"

"Are you planning to lose more?"

"What have you done!?" or "What are you doing?"

and "Wow, you're the incredible shrinking woman!"

However, this is what I hear (remember, I have an eating disorder...an actual mental health issue and I recognize that this is part of it)

"OH MY GOD YOU WERE SO FAT!!!!"

"YOU LOOK SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE SO FAT!"

"HOW DID YOU GET RID OF ALL OF THAT FAT!?!?"

I know that's not what people mean. It's just what I hear. I'm trying very hard to remember that. I'm "processing" it.

I'm not sure why our size is so important. I know it's what we see on the outside. I just have issues with it. Hell, I have a subscription to it.

Tyra Banks is getting a huge dose of what we get all the time and realizing that a woman of 5'10 and 160 lbs. gets treated a lot differently than a woman of 5'10 and 120 lbs. Sad, pathetic, but there is no doubt it's true. If you're 5'10 and 250 lbs., forget it. You might as well disappear. Shop clerks aren't interested in what you need, fewer people are willing to hire you and maybe it's my eating disorder speaking but people are actually checking to see what you have in your shopping cart and prove to themselves the reason that you are so fat, so certain they are going to find a Mrs. Smith's pie and a couple of tubes of cookie dough.

I hate it. It makes me mistrust my perceptions in the world. It makes my heart break that I am somehow better now than I was then.

Of all the good and fair things in this world like Seif al-Islam Gaddafi, the son of Muammar Gaddafi noting that Libya would not carry out the death sentences against the six medical workers, adding, "The case took a wrong direction from the beginning. ... There were many mistakes."

or the hideous things like upwards of 55,000 civilians and 3,300 coalition soldiers killed in Iraq to date, I could talk about more important things.

Maybe tomorrow with the world saving...

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7 Comments:

Blogger crazyauntpurl said...

Ah, it is as if I were having this conversation :)

You know I am struggling with this, too. I would like someone to say, wow, you look great, like you're at peace with yourself! Not, wow you look great... your ass isn't so giant.

It's a hard one.

Blogger miss kendra said...

you were not fat. you were and are and are becoming ever more so lovely.

also, it makes me feel nine shades of uncomfortable that i am the exact same size as tyra banks now and she's getting bullied for being a big girl.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Tyra is getting bullied because she's in a business that celebrates women who are far too thin for their frames. Tyra is actually a healthy weight. You're supposed to add five pounds for ever inch over five feet of height. So at 5'10"--150 is perfectly normal. (you too, Miss K.)

You know, being a woman of size myself, I have to say I rarely think about others judging my shopping cart contents or my dinner plate. Clearly I didn't get this size eating celery sticks. If that's what makes them feel better about themselves, then so be it.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I blame the media and my mother. Seriously! When you're 6 years old and constantly being told what a huge hiney you have, it kinda sticks with you.

If only I had the discipline, I'd go back to being ana/bul. I was miserable, unhealthy and mentally f'd up, but DANG. I liked being skinny.

Blogger Allison said...

I think people are just noticing change and because it's weight loss it's socially OK to comment on it. Maybe the assumption is that you were trying to lose weight so it's viewed as a compliment to notice it?

Blogger Stair Climber said...

I am struggling with this having recently shed fifty pounds...

I am having a love-hate thing going on with the whole process of having that loss noticed. Its hard not to notice its more than fifth of me gone. On the one hand since I don't really have new mental image of myself sans fifty pounds - its a relief when the loss is noticed.

I have admit I go back and forth with a sick little internal dialogue- when someone doesn't comment, I think "OMG I am still so fat that no one can tell I have lost weight because I still have so far to go (12-33 pounds - long story - still don't know where this journey will end) and I am so fat fift pounds hasn't made a dent"

And if they do notice and comment- after the initial relief that 50 pounds is actually smaller - I feel a bit embarassed like "OMG I was so grotequely fat before how did I walk the planet?"

or "OMG I need to reassure them that I am still losing weight because I am still so fat" --

Either way, the whole thing messes with feminist sensibility about objectification of women, commercialization dictating sexual appeal, etc.- because my self esteem issues and politics just don't mesh in this arena.

Blogger Geckogrrl said...

Hey Faith!

I just saw your blog about weight. You look beautiful at whatever weight you are at because it truly is what's inside that counts. (Yeah, I know it sounds new-agey, and cliche but...)

I also have the same problem. This year I gained 10 pounds. My 77-year old neighbor Libby poked my belly the other day and asked if I was pregnant. Two years ago when I was down to a size 4 and had dark bags under my eyes everyone said how wonderful I looked. I figure there's no winning! All that matters is if I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit.

I noticed your weight loss at SnB a couple of weeks ago but remember the days when people commented on it and remember how I feel when people say things to me. I didn't say anything then, but I totally applaud your working toward a healthier and happier you!

Katie

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