Thursday, January 25, 2007
Fear SUCKS!!! Ass!!! Fear and the ass-sucking!!!
You know how all of the self-help books and the magazine articles say things like:

Just do it!
Act as if.
Take the first step today!

And they sound to you like Charlie Brown's teacher? (mwah muah mwah muah mwah wah wah)

Or they say things like "Put on your sweats and sneakers whether you want to or not and in a couple of weeks you'll be doing it because you want to!"?

And I think/thought to myself, what kind of bullshit is this? Don't I think I know when I'm trying to fool myself? If I had only tried that putting on my sneakers thing I might be Miss Olympia by now!!!

Oh yeah, that's right, there's something bigger than the "getting up 1/2 an hour early to pack your lunch" that might be keeping you from:

getting out of debt
losing weight
making yourself happy

It was this morning when I realized that everything I have done for the last 18 years or so has been out of fear of not making it on my own. Fear of being dependent on someone. Fear of asking for help. Which then lends itself to a big shame thing. OK, there was a little bit of the chronic clinical depression too, but NO MORE, PEOPLE! I say, "NO MORE!"

The fear and shame of spiralling into a disabling and stinky pit of debt and depression has kept me from:
  1. getting my master's degree
  2. getting a better (and better paying) job
  3. selling my book
  4. making a scene (or two)
  5. being a total media whore
  6. living my life to its fullest
  7. being happy with myself for the decisions I've made (because I haven't made them!)
And I'm sick of the regret. I'm 36 for fuck's sake. When am I going to take the risks?

Maybe....when it's SAFE?????

Fuck that and the shiny purple unicorn it rode in on.

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6 Comments:

Blogger miss kendra said...

yes. that unicorn is shiny and purple and uppity.

we don't like that in these parts.


RISK is scary and delightful.

Blogger Allison said...

Fear is wearing a hot pink and glittery outfit while riding that shiny purple unicorn!

By the way, I have always wondered about that "put on your sweats and sneakers" theory. If that is a true motivator then I would be a size 0 since I wear sweats and sneakers EVERY DAY and there is no jogging (let alone brushing of hair) to be had by me!

Blogger Ana said...

We are complex beings fascinating what makes us tick but no regrets our destiny is ours alone.

Yesterday's history and tomorrow is a mystery.... well you know the rest.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

We don't like shiny purple unicorns, just midget albino ones, right? But can they have blue eyes rather than pink? B/c, although I like pink, in the eyeparts, that's just too freaky.

Blogger crazyauntpurl said...

Ok, the shiny purple unicorn line made me actually choke on my coffee.

Also, you are aweseome :)

Blogger Jen said...

here's my question... how did you know you were in a spiralling and shameful pit of depression? Having met you only recently, I cannot even imagine you as anyone less than confident with who she is and what she's doing with her life and for others. It just shocks me to read that you may have felt otherwise in the past (or even a little bit now). You have such a positive aura and please take this as a compliment but it really is hard for me to imagine you even entertaining the idea of living a life in fear.

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