Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Blah, blah, blah
I watched the pilot episode of Weeds last week. I know, I'm way behind, but we don't have Showtime. Anyway, the little girl, Isabella, made me cry. Her mom called her Isabelly and gave her laxatives and made fun of her weight. It was so hard to watch...actually, I left the room half way through. I guess I'm still not "over it".

I grew up in a house with a motion or light sensitive pig in the fridge that oinked when you opened it. I snuck chunks of brown sugar out of the cupboard to feed my sugar habit and the minute I had enough independence to have my own money and access to a vending machine, forget it...I have been eating ever since.

Until now. Not that I have stopped eating entirely, by any stretch of the imagination, but I have not been eating like I was for the last 30+ years. Which to me, defined eating. I did not know what this "willpower" crap was that everyone talked about. As far as I was concerned it was a figment of people's imagination. It was either 1) eat 2) deprivation 3) throw up what you ate. These were my options. I saw no way out until May 30th.

On May 30th I made a radical (and fairly unhealthy decision) which I won't currently go into. What it did was start me on a path to eating ....can I even say it?....normally.

I'm still a little (ok, a lot) freaked out about eating and my body but things are getting better. The other day at the Farmer's Market for SnB I grabbed a small sugar free fro yo (notice, I had to make sure you all knew it was small, without sugar and frozen yogurt). This, in itself is pretty bold for me, public eating of food that looks "bad for me". Anyway, I was sure everyone at the Farmer's Market was staring at the fat girl with the ice cream - but I have to remember, one baby step at a time.

The fact is, what I'm trying to do is not lose 100 pounds and look amazing - although I'll admit to that being my first motivation. What my real motivation is at this point, and it's a huge ginormous, immense revelation, is not to wake up every morning HATING myself and not to go to bed every night telling myself that I'll do better tomorrow.

It all seems so petty and stupid. There are a million people starving in Darfur. There are thousands of people being tortured every day. The fact of the matter is, how can I do something about any of that, or give anything -- ANYTHING my best effort when I spend all of my time hating my body. If I can fix myself, at least keep doing what I'm doing, not waking up every morning with the disappointment of the day before, then I can focus so much better on all of the other things in my life.

How's that for profound?


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Blogger Susan said...

I hurt for you and your constant struggle, and I hope that someday you'll see in yourself the beautiful, amazing woman that we see.

Blogger Ellen Bloom said...

I hear you, Faith! Many of us have similar difficulties. These are tough problems to face, so I take my knitted cap off to you for trying to make a difference.

Blogger dizzy von damn! said...

you are very lovely and brave in your articulation of the discomfort many of us share.

Blogger K8 said...

It is profound - it takes alot!

Blogger James McGinley said...

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Blogger Uccellina said...

1. That relationship is certainly painful to watch.

2. Did you see how Isabelle took revenge? SPOILER: She swapped her mom's diet pills out for anti-diuretics. The mom couldn't poop for DAYS. That (fictional) kid has a good head on her shoulders.

3. I love that show.

Blogger Christine said...

Faith, I was so moved by your post today. I've had the food struggle all my life also. I recently was looking at old home movies from my "fat" adolescence, which in fact was just a mildly plump one (I remembered that I weighed 135 pounds at the time, at 5'4"). It hurt me so much to realize what I've put myself through since then thinking I was a huge blimp, and managing to get close to being one!

Since 2004 I've been able to lose 80 pounds, with many more to go, but it's such a struggle daily. Brava to you for facing the challenge. By the way, I have NEVER thought of you as fat.

And yes, we are very lucky that in this country these are our challenges. The Dalai Lama says that world peace begins with kindness and compassion...I think that includes being kind and compassionate to ourselves.

Much love!

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