Friday, April 28, 2006
Auntie Matter
"Run along to Ito and tell him to bring me a light breakfast - black coffee and a sidecar. Oh, oh. And a cold towel for your Auntie Vera."

I plan to be an Auntie Mame to Ace, if of course, my sister and brother-in-law will permit. Being a spinster-aunt, in my opinion, is a very important job. Fine, I am married but I’m not having children. (insert misuse of "spinster" observations here – contention to follow.)

If I can use "y’all" because I live in Southern California I can use "spinster aunt." Since I like to have a rationale behind my opinions (I’m so talmudic!) here goes:

"Spinster" is defined as free, single, and unattached. These are lovely terms. The synonyms for "childless" include, sterile, fruitless, unproductive, barren and nulliparous. Hideous! I’m using spinster as a substitute. Because imagine my beloved nephew/niece Ace having to say to his/her classmates,

"You know, my dear nulliparous Auntie Faith is taking me to Zurich this spring!"

Doesn’t spinster sound way more fun?! Hey, if y’all come up with another way of saying it, I’m game.

Anyway, the modern role of the spinster aunt involves spoiling the crap out of your sister’s child(ren) and at the same time, taking said child(ren) off the hands of very tired/annoyed/overwhelmed parents.

It involves having loads of disposable income that comes from not raising children. These heaps of cash can be used for spoiling the child.

It involves some very subtle hints letting the child know that if one has a sensitive issue to discuss and does not want to speak to one’s parent, the spinster aunt does not tell tales.

It involves teaching child(ren) how to mix a good drink long before they are legally permitted to imbibe. It just occurred to me that if, in fact, I am to become Ace’s auntie Mame, I really should start drinking again. If only to say that, "Auntie is hung."

It especially includes teaching child the difference between Art and shit slung on a canvas by some moronic, under-employed 28 year old.

More to come on this topic.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Darcy said...

Yay,I'm a spinster too! AKA, the cool Aunt to my cool niece. (in her 1st year of college,Environmental Science Major, Womens' Studies minor) I did take her to visit my "adopted" family at 14 and "they" gave her wine till she fell asleep with a book on her face! Now if I only had that disposable income...

Anonymous SP 8 said...

That's a wonderful description of an aunt. Auntie Mame is one of my favorite movies too.

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