- you're becoming one of those crazy self-help book junkies?
- you're going to go bald?
- you will lose all of your tried and true coping mechanisms and your head will explode like a Peep in a microwave?
The coping mechanism crap is a big one. Food is my drug of choice. It relaxes me. It makes me feel like I'm in control because I can have it whenever I want (which was not always the case). It numbs me out so I don't have to think so hard. Of course then I'm all pissed off at myself for having eaten for all of these "stupid" reasons (still trying with the compassion for myself stuff) and I get rid of it. Then I'm all cranky and tired but at least I don't have the food to contend with and it starts all over again with the numbing out.
This is how I have coped with stuff for a long, long, long ass time. Like a good 30+ years. It's really hard to break old habits like these. But I'm trying. Actively trying. For instance:
*I am trying to understand that I don't have anyone to rebel against anymore. Everyone does, but this is ridiculous.
* I am learning that if I unconsciously call myself names all day long, I start to get depressed.
* I am more aware that the food will always be there, and that waiting until I'm hungry does not mean there won't be any left.
* I am more aware that even if there isn't any left (for instance, the box of See's candy in the break room right now), I can go buy some for myself if I do really, really want it later.
Of course there is a list twice as long of things I logically know I should be able to do but can't seem to wrap my head around yet. Right now, I'm just trying to be a little more aware of what I'm doing rather than basically going "la la la I can't hear you!!" by focusing on my body, food and other such distracting crap. Like not using food as anything but food and having my head explode like a Peep in the microwave.
BTW - so embarrassed saying all of this to you but it somehow helps to get it out there. Perhaps, even, a few of you might relate...?
I would say that the self-help book issue is second. I don't feel so bad about this since I don't spout on about reading these books and I feel like any sort of insight they might give me on my eating disorder and any other trauma I might have had is a big plus. Besides, it's not like I'm reading Dr. Laura...
The bald issue is a very distant 3rd since I love wearing wigs and if I actually went bald, it would give me an excellent excuse to wear all the ones I have - I believe I'm up to 7 or 8 now. Frankly, I think white chicks should start wearing more wigs. Black chicks have the whole wig thing down. They know how to wear them and are really good at it. Perhaps I will single handedly bring hats and wigs back into fashion for the white chick...what do you think?