Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Must Watch CNN............
I haven't been posting because I've been flipping channels between the Weather Channel (my fave), MSNBC and CNN. I can't stop watching. In fact, I have been waking up in the middle of the night and flipping on CNN just to see what is happening. It is hideous.

I am trying to understand the looters. I know that New Orleans has the highest rate of crime in any American city but the people looting cannot all have been criminals before this week. I understand finding food and water and batteries if you are desperate. I do not understand raiding the walmart for cameras and prescription drugs and TVs.

I am trying to come to some understanding and the only thing I can come up with is that people are so scared that they will never have anything ever again and they have lost everything that they are taking in a fit of fear and desperation without thought.

In other news...I am coming to so many conclusions in my own life. I am learning so much. My mantra for the week is to have compassion for myself.

Amazing revelation #1 - if one does not hate herself, one does not want to mistreat herself.

Amazing revelation #2 - if I have discord in a relationship with someone I love, I turn all of my attention to that until we have worked it out and there is harmony back in that relationship. I need to turn my attention to some discord I'm having with myself and start working on our relationship!!!

Amazing revelation #3 - Saying "I love me" has seemed corny and dorky and phony. From a centered place I would never see loving myself as phony and ridiculous. In fact it seems a little odd that that would even seem phony (corny - maybe...).

Anyway, where did I get all of these amazing revelations from? This book I found called...There Is Nothing Wrong With You. It is by this Buddhist monk named Cheri Huber who practices at the Zen Monastery in Northern California. I want to buy it for all of my friends who are having trouble seeing their fabulosity. I want to buy it for all the fabulous women in my support group who are all beautiful and loving. I want to buy it in bulk. I'm seriously thinking about going to a retreat at the monastery. Wanna join me?

Have a great day y'all.
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Thursday, August 25, 2005
Soapbox Diva
I have to first comment on the Stitch n' Bitch vs. SewFast/SewEasy Inc. trademark infringement issue. I am not one to comment on legal wranglings, however, this affects me and all the lovely and festive people I knit with - so I am compelled.

The phrase Stitch n' Bitch has been around for a long-ass time. When Stitch n' Bitch refound itself in the vernacular, many ladies of a certain age came out on to the boards to let us younguns know that they were Stitch n' Bitching way back when.

Currently, there are 262 U.S. groups that identify as Stitch n' Bitch and 54 international groups (Source:

There is a company called SewFast/SewEasy Inc. that is now producing seam rippers, needles, tape measures and other gewgaws with a Stitch & Bitch logo. This would seem fun to buy and personally, I would have purchased the entire line so I could impress my friends and fellow knitters.

Unfortunately, they have also sent cease and desist letters to Stitch n' Bitch Chicago, Cleveland, Stockton/Lodi and Twin Cities because they were selling t-shirts and other merchandise on Cafe Press with their SnB logos on it.

Uhh, not cool.

I am all for respecting trademarks. I hope to have my own someday. However, using a term that has been a part of the vernacular and co-opting it, well... even that is ok, unless of course, you get a bunch of mean lawyers to suddenly go about telling everyone already using that name, even if they're little non profit groups of tattooed knitter girls, to cut it out.

To that end, I have ordered a few bumper stickers and a shirt from the new Cafe Press store Free to Stitch, Free to Bitch to support their efforts.

In other news, I'm ok.

I'm just a little crazy right now, what with the family drama and the feeling that I should be doing something exceptional right now and the really loud music coming from one of my neighbor's apartments which is maybe Green Day and really, really loud. Like it sounds as if I am playing Green Day in my apartment really loud. But I'm not.

I did a lot of knitting/crocheting this week - especially due to the fact that I have given up solitaire. Knitting/crocheting at least is way more productive - I also attended my second meeting of the Culver City group - a really fun crowd.

I haven't finished anything but I have gotten quite a bit accomplished. On the other hand, Sara 2 finished these cute-ass socks this week. These are her first pair of socks. Yay Sara!!!

I also have to mention the incorrect spelling of crochet that happens all too frequently on our blogs and boards.


This is not a needle art. This is a part of our bodies with ET attached. Stop this or I'll shoot!
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Monday, August 22, 2005
So, bear with me here because this is all an don't go all wetting collective panties.

I've decided I need to have a baby. Figuratively. Note, this means not a real baby so put down your needles, I'm not having a human baby!

However, I feel like I am craving something in my life to protect and nurture to keep me up at night and wake me up early in the morning because I'm thinking about it and loving it. Something that I wake up to in the morning and can't wait to see and take care of.

No, people, it's not a kitten either. Frankly I'm not entirely sure what it is.

Continuing with the analogy, if you will humor me, whatever it is, I've decided that I'm in the process of getting pregnant with it and I'm having some "fertility issues."

I'm working on these "fertility issues" and yesterday I dragged my butt to Otis College of Art and Design and signed up for the Introduction to Apparel Construction class. Maybe making clothing is my "baby"? I am nervous but excited. I've done plenty of sewing but it's all been pretty much self-taught and I could seriously use some technique. Sara and Peggy have both taken the class already and love the instructor so I'm feeling like the path has been well-worn.

In other news, Allison's wedding this weekend was beautiful. I'll post pictures tomorrow. Her mom is such a sweetheart and I met her two sweet brothers and her dad. Jeff, the new husband, is a doll and was tearing up the dance floor. Woo hoo!

Also, I love frozen grapes. They're like dozens of miniature popsicles! I'm eating them right now!
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Friday, August 19, 2005
Grrr Arrrgh
OK people, the last post was totally fun!!! Thanks for all your comments. I LOVED the new curse words. Peggy definitely wins for grossest.

So yesterday, grrrrrr!!!!! At about 4 o'clock I received a call on my home phone. I saw that it was from agent guy. My heart skipped a beat. In a really good way. I wasn't really expecting to hear from him until next month.

Here's the bad news. He doesn't really represent books like mine. He said it was clear that I had put a lot of work into the project but no. Thanks. But no.

When I asked perhaps he knew someone who did rep these types of books....? He said he'd "keep his ears open." A brush off if I've ever heard one.

So I'm cranky and back to square one people.

Pudding pops!!!! Ass hat!!!! Craptastic!!!! Flying fratteling fuck!!!!

Good thing I have all of these fun curses to use in my time of need. For fuck's sake.
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Wednesday, August 17, 2005
A few of my #@*%ing favorite things
Those of you who know me, know that I have a potty mouth. It's really nasty. It's probably from having my mouth washed out with soap when I was just a wee Faith. Things like that tend to only enhance one's innate need to say dirty words.

Anyway, dirty words are in our vocabulary for a reason. They are so descriptive. I, for one have no desire to clean up my language.

However, I believe we all need to get more creative with our curses. There are so many more creative and fun words than fuck. I mean how run-of-the-mill is that. I like it when potty words are creative and so in the spirit (but not the letter) of James Lipton and the Proust questionnaire, I thought I'd share some of my favorite creative curses.

1. Craptastic - this word makes me smile. It's the perfect word combination for something that is fantastically crappy.

2. For fuck's sake - this is one of the many phrases I picked up in my time at AIDS Project Los Angeles. It's the best way I've found to express my utter dismay. i.e. Your sister got pregnant at 19 and is getting married two months before your wedding that you've been planning for a year. "Oh, for fuck's sake!!!"

3. Christ on a cracker! - Blasphemous, I know, but alliterative.

4. Shithowdy. Shithowdy sounds so down home and welcoming. Perhaps it's the howdy part. It makes you sound so glad to see someone, yet with the word shit.

Now it's your turn. Tell me what your favorite curses are and we'll all contribute to a more creatively cursing nation (as if that's what's wrong with our nation today. Denial much???)
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Monday, August 15, 2005
Yesterday was day 3 with no solitaire.

I am getting so much done! I had about 20 skeins of yarn that were not balled up. Well, they are now! I spent the entire day ballin'. Yarn that is. Anyway, now my yarn is actually useable as opposed to just sitting in a drawer and lookin' pretty.

I also put some more yarn in the future yarn sale bin. I have WAY too much yarn people. Not as much as Ellen who has a really unbelievable amount of yarn, but a lot.

I also put a bunch of books in the sale bin. I have books from college. From my major. Which was Religious Studies with a human sexuality minor. Do I really need my copy of Redefining Sexual Ethics from 1991? No. I don't think so either. What about Myth and Sexuality? Nope. GONE!!! Y'all can come to the yard sale in October and buy them if you want but I don't need to be schooled on sexual ethics in the '90s.

I do this every so often. I call it purging. It's like stuff-bulimia. I like to get rid of stuff. I like to see empty spaces where stuff used to be. It feels like I'm getting something accomplished. I also get to send all of my stuff to good homes where people will appreciate it more than I have been. This is an important part of the purging process for me. I can't just throw it away. Especially if I have appreciated it at some point in the past. I feel like someone else should have the opportunity of appreciating it. Anyway, it's kind of a purging week. I'm off to see what other stuff will find new homes.

have a great monday!!!
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Thursday, August 11, 2005
An X-mas sized gift!
Yesterday, I had an absolutely lovely lunch with Jane. I wish I had a picture of Jane, but I forgot. Oh well. Just know that she's really beautiful and has really pretty eyes and lips.

Jane and I worked together at AIDS Project Los Angeles. At the time we were young and brilliant and fabulous. Now we are old and know a lot more about a few things but a lot less about a whole lot more. Does that make sense?

Jane is a therapist now (and though I have never seen her professionally, I bet she's pretty freakin' fabulous). She referred me to my therapist, Bob, at Kaiser where she interned. This is the best thing that has happened to me in the last 5-10 years because it was the beginning of the NSA (no shame adventure). If I had not run into Jane at the Stitch Cafe I might have never found Bob and then Leigh and then I might still be in bed and not writing this blog at all!!! This is the Xmas sized gift to which my title refers. It is one of the greatest gifts I have ever gotten.

Thanks Jane!

By the way, Jane and I had lunch sitting next to Phil Jackson of the Lakers and his extremely pregnant wife at Urth Caffe. SO L.A.!!!!!

In other news, the NSA (see above) is going great. I saw Bob today and came home feeling pretty ok with myself! I did some stuff I wanted to do and did some stuff I don't really feel like doing but I'm an adult so I have to do anyway...

Another thing, as Aunt Purl is giving up smoking, I am hereby giving up solitaire. It's not quite the same thing, I know, what with the addictive nicotine and shit, but it's one of the tools I've been using to sort of numb myself out from the world. No more. I'm giving it up for a while anyway so that I can stop using it as a way to take myself out of myself.

I should be a lot more myself then, shouldn't I?

Love y'all!!!
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Now this is the way it should be!

So I have an incredibly heartwarming and very silly story. Here it goes:

My chosen family, the Anderson clan, (Kristin, Shannon, Wes and Grant), Larry and Steve, Justin, Michael and I had a little BBQ/swim party on Sunday. As is his way, Larry traveled from Palm Springs with some dress up items, something I have known him to do since the very day I met him 13 (!) years ago. At some point before lunch, he came out of the house dressed like this. (check out the shoes!!!)

Well, we weren't shocked, to say the least but very amused and somewhat curious to see how Wes would respond (not that Wes hasn't seen this behavior before, but he's a little older now). Wes has grown up staying overnight and spending oodles of time with his Uncles Larry and Steve so it wasn't surprising in the least to hear Wes say, "You are so beautiful!" and then yell "Mom! Watch me jump in the pool!" These kids are incredible (pic below of Dad, Shannon with Wesley and Grant). Grant spent the entire day kissing the dog, Piper over and over again. These kids are so wonderful. They are going to be our future and they think their Uncle Larry, who, today, is a drag queen with a geranium on his head, is beautiful.

I think that's beautiful.
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005
For Shame...
So, I've had a brilliant realization. No, really! I realized that the living out loud project (LOLP) is actually the no shame activity (NSA). I realized last night that the core reason that I don't do a lot of stuff that I want to is because of shame. I'm even ashamed to say that!!! Sometimes I'm even ashamed of my knitting. Isn't that ridiculous!? No more!

According to Mark Miller, Ph.D. in his article on shame and psychotherapy,

"Shame is often experienced as the inner, critical voice that judges whatever we do as wrong, inferior, or worthless. Often this inner critical voice is repeating what was said to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers. We may have been told that we were naughty, selfish, ugly, stupid, etc. We may have been ostracized by peers at school, humiliated by teachers, treated with contempt by our parents. Paradoxically, shame may be caused by others expecting too much of us, evoking criticism when our performance is less than perfect. Unfortunately, these criticisms become internalized, so that it is our own inner critical voice that is meting out the shaming messages, such as: "You idiot, why did you do that?," "Can't you do anything right?,"or " You should be ashamed of yourself," etc.

One source of shame is associated with the expression of certain emotions. In many families, as well as in many cultures, expression of such feelings as anger, fear, sadness or vulnerability, may be met with shaming reproaches, such as "Pull yourself together," "Don't be a baby," "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," or "You don't have anything to be afraid of."

Pride is also a feeling that is often met with shameful condemnations, such as "Who do you think you are, Mr. Bigshot?," or "You're getting too big for your britches." Often these shaming admonitions are internalized, so that when we get in touch with any of these "shameful feelings" we will automatically feel shame, and try to control or hide the feelings, or, at the very least, to apologize profusely for them.

Clearly these shaming inner voices can do considerable damage to our self esteem. These self criticisms, that we are stupid, selfish, a show-off, etc., become, in varying degrees, how we see ourselves. For some of us, the inner critical judge is continuously providing a negative evaluation of what we are doing, moment-by-moment."

Wow! I haven't been in a shame spiral, I've been in a damn shame typhoon!!! A shame tornado! A shame vortex!!!

As of today, I'm on the look out for signs of pending shame or shame in progress. Fuck this shame crap! You should try it too. It might be really fun!



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Thursday, August 04, 2005
OK - did anyone see the L.A. Times article yesterday on the new FX sitcom (yes, I said sitcom) about four people living together who all have eating disorders? It's called Starved. Zoinks. Firstly, I can't imagine living with three other people with EDs. Can you say trigger??? Really, do we need this...
"Oh, I'm so fat!"
"No, I'm so fat!"
"I'm going to throw up!"
"I called the bathroom first! You throw up in the sink!"

Now for this commercial break - Cue Paris Hilton humping a Bentley while holding a 950 calorie hamburger.

Second, I had heard about it but had not yet made any firm opinions about it because...well, I'm just not like that - all forming opinions before knowing anything about what I'm talking about. Well, I have formed an opinion. Let's just say, I'm not really thrilled.

First off, some basic stats:
7 million women in the U.S. struggle with an eating disorder (ANAD/NIMH)
1 million men in the U.S. struggle with an eating disorder (ANAD/NIMH)

Seven to one people. Why do I bring this up? In this house on Starved, there are three men and one woman. I guess it's easier or not as sad to show men throwing up or starving or eating themselves to death as it is to show women. Frankly, I'm not sure I get it.

Also, how boring is my eating disorder. I don't talk about it much because it bores the hell out of me most of the time. I'm in recovery and frankly I've learned there that we should all be talking about a lot more than how many calories or points we ate today, how much we left on our plates, how hungry we are because we restricted all morning. BORING!!! There is so much more to life than this! My time could be better spent talking about just about anything else.

I can laugh at it sometimes ...Heathers and various other teen movies have all made us laugh about it but really--Do we need a weekly sitcom? I guess I'll watch. I think it airs tonight.

Loving y'all...


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Tuesday, August 02, 2005
One of those crazy days
Ever wake up knowing that today just isn't going to be a day you're going to remember fondly? Today? of those days. One of the many reasons follows:

I swore to my therapist yesterday that I would get out my manuscript to my (hopefully) future agent today. It is sitting on my desk. I have printed it out. I cannot look at it!!! It stares at me like "bitch, you know you don't want to read me again. You're going to have eighty billion edits and the thing is going to be bleeding with ink - get on with it or throw me away already!!!" That's how I'm feeling this morning. What a shitty way to wake up.

I'm going to force myself to do it. If Ken (future agent extraordinaire) doesn't like it, we'll, I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.

You know when you were in college and you were writing a paper and it was ok and you knew you'd get a B but if you just took a couple more NoDoz, spent another couple of hours thinking through your hypothesis and doing a quick rewrite you know you would get an A because you had it in you to do a more thoughtful and original paper but you were just so freakin' tired of the whole thing?

Multiply that times 180 pages and that's what I've got sitting on my desk. Clearly I'm procrastinating this morning writing this lovely diatribe. I'm going to pick it up now though.

I could seriously use some encouragement. If you have a sec to write a quick comment, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks everyone!!!
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